Ending & Keeping Relationships

At this very moment, I am wrapping up a family Labor day gathering.

The details have caused some folks to give me a few curious looks when I shared with them what I would be doing today.

The family party is at my ex-wife's in-laws.

Karen and I divorced in 1995 after 13 years and 3 kids.

It was those three kids that kept us in a relationship.

A different relationship than husband and wife to be sure.

And each of us have remarried and are very much in love with our new spouses.

But we decided to maintain a civil relationship as parents.

I admit we've had our battles over the past 15 years, but we work thru them eventually.

And we have been thru a lot with weddings, college graduations, and now grandkids.

Maybe it helps that we live in separate cities, about an hour apart. Far enough apart to prevent the causal bumping into one another, but close enough to make contact when needed.

One of the reasons Karen and her husband Steve invited my wife Kathy and I over was the gathering of all of our kids and their spouses.

We've had a few in the past several months including holidays and a couple weddings but those were filled with the busy-ness of those events and today is a much more relaxed gathering without any extra agendas.

The relationship dynamics between former spouses can be tricky, and I am blessed to have a wife Kathy who is also a believer in creating new relationships out of broken ones when it is appropriate as I am also friends with her ex-husband and his family.

One of the keys to this is how you end the relationship and with some tips, here's a story from AOM:


Dim & Dash: Breaking Up

When you were a kid, did you ever read the comic “Goofus and Gallant” in Highlights Magazine? Goofus and Gallant were two boys with very different attitudes and temperaments. The comic would show how each boy would respond in the same situation–Goofus always did the wrong thing, while Gallant always did the right thing. What would those boys be like as grown men? We’ve decided to imagine in a new twice-monthly comic series called “Dim and Dash.” Drawn by Ted Slampyak, the comic will be a fun way to present quick reminders on the right way for a man to act. Hope you enjoy!

4 Months Until Christmas

Hard to believe, but it's true.

Here's a few shots from my families past Christmases:






The first shot is my son Josh and I doing Karaoke at home.

Number 2 is actually from a few years ago when my wife created a bit of confusion with her winter daises that turned blue in the cold!

The next two are from our annual snowflake contest, and the last shot is from my Aunt & Uncle in Maine who create dozens of live wreaths that they send to friends and family in December.

The Next Stage

The next stage that I'm thinking about is with my family.

In the June 2006, my youngest daughter, Tiffany married Jon Lloyd.

On the weekend of October 10, 2010, 10-10-10, my son Josh married Madeline Helser.

A few months later, on Memorial Day weekend this year my oldest daughter, Rachael married Brandon Kelly.

And this weekend, my stepdaughter Abby married Jeff Morris.

What's the next stage?

How about grandkids?

I've already had an early start, as my stepson Ian is Dad to two boys, the oldest became a teenager this summer.

And the same day that Rachael was getting married, her little sister gave birth to Calvin, whom I got to spend a bunch of time with today.

Speaking of Rachael, she also has a due date at the end of February, 2012.

It's a fun and growing family that this only child is blessed to be a part of.

Saturday Night Classic Music Video

Last month I listened to this song for the first time when my step-daughter Abby asked me to create a special version of this song for her upcoming wedding reception.

The day for that wedding and reception has arrived and as this posts online we are between the two.

Abby became Mrs. Morris this afternoon and this evening this song will be one of the ones that she dances to.



By the way, over the past 11 years that I have known Abby, I have also known her father, Dwight.

And out of respect for Dwight and his relationship with Abby, I often refer to her as my step-daughter, even though I love her as much as any and all of my others.

Do You Love Your Life?

The Life you are living is the life you choose to live.

There are very few exceptions to this, such as the very young who are limited by the choices of their parents.

There are also economic limitations, but those can be overcome if you are willing.

You have so many choices available in this life of yours if you stop blaming others and change your attitude.

You can choose where you live, where you work, who you live with, and what to do in your free time.

For those who are unemployed and cannot find a job, the problem is not the job market, it is what you are doing or not doing.

And I know a few folks that have been looking for work unsuccessfully who will disagree with that last sentence but I stand behind it.

They have placed limitations on themselves, or attitudes and they have been unsuccessful.

However, I want to also emphasize that we have compassion for those who have lost their jobs and humility because it can happen to any of us and when it does, you never expect it to last.

Reach out and do what you can to help, even if it is a listening ear.

We place ourselves in situations that create limitations on our own lives, but instead of looking at those limitations as a way of holding you back, look at the other possibilities.

Here's an example from my own life:

When I was 22 I married for the first time and about a year later, our first daughter was born. By the time I was 26 we had three kids which meant we were outnumbered as parents!

My life changed the day my first daughter, Rachael was born in 1983 and I recall standing outside the hospital wondering how my life had changed so quickly in less than 18 months from the time I met her Mom until that day when I first became a Dad.

But it was the life I chose. I wanted to marry. Marriage was going to lead to having children. Neither was always easy. But these choices led to many blessings over the past 20+ years.

Even though that first marriage only lasted 13 years, and for awhile it felt that my life was in a holding pattern for awhile, life continued to move forward 24 hours at a time.

Now I have been married for 10+ years, my ex also remarried, and all 4 of us have been through the weddings of those 3 babies who are now 25, 26, and 27. (The picture is of the 3 of them 20+ years ago).

They are having their own kids now and the cycle continues...

No matter what stage of your life you are in, you get to choose to create a life you love.

As my daughter Tiffany shared on Facebook last week, some days you are "covered with poop and spit-up", others are filled with pulling weeds, and yet everyday is an opportunity to be thankful.

The 4th

For most folks in the United States, this has been a three day weekend.

Today is the Fourth of July.

But I wonder how many people know why they have this day off?

As a child of the 60's and teen in the 70's my parents were very patriotic.

When our country celebrated our bicentennial in 1976, I was a teenager with a drivers license and my own car.

But I was also a Boy Scout.

And one of the things our Scout Troop learned to do was march.

Almost military style, at least we knew enough to do some pretty cool moves in the 4th of July parade and we all marched in unison, (Left, Right, Left, Right, etc.).

Put aside the political disagreements and come together today and be thankful that we even have a country that has been around for 235 years.

Life on the Plains

A couple years ago, my wife and I took a trip to Maine to attend my son's graduation from the College of the Atlantic in Bar Harbor.

She had never been east and was awestruck as we drove up and down mountains.

In contrast, sometimes I find driving in the midwest boring.

Often flat, long stretches of road.

Sort of like life at times.

But if you need a roller coaster ride style of life, there will be times when you might get a bit bored.

And that is okay.

Boredom is a time to take a time out.

A time to chill.

A time to appreciate the wonder that surrounds us.

Reflect on where we are going, where we've been and where we are.

As much as I appreciate the exciting times in life, I also cherish the quiet times.

How about you?

7 Ways to De-Stress

I have just gone thru what most likely will be the most stressful month on 2011.

Especially the past couple of weeks.

We had my step-daughter Abby graduating from Purdue University followed by a couple of small graduation dinners for her and the family; her future mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law in town for her bridal shower, and then a semi parked in our driveway as she and her Dad and fiance prepared to move her to Nebraska. (That wedding is in August).

We also just completed the wedding of my oldest daughter, Rachael, a few days ago with all the dinners, tuxs, dancing, speeches, and now I get to take care of their cats (that's the easy part) while they are gone for a few days.

In between those two daughters events, my youngest daughter Tiffany and her husband Jon were expecting their first child and when the due date passed we were wondering when Calvin would make his debut.

I am so thankful for my family that I only had to play a supporting role in all of these events and now all is calm for a few weeks except for some home repairs I need to do before the August wedding.

I've had to learn a few tips on how to de-stress, and here's some ideas from the DLM blog:

Seven Ways to De-Stress Instantly

Posted: 22 May 2011 02:42 PM PDT

Imagine it’s Monday morning. Over the weekend, you had a major argument with your partner (and you’re both still sulking), your alarm clock fails to go off, you try to get your usual breakfast only to find that the cereal box is empty and the milk’s gone sour, and then the car won’t start. By the time you get to work, you’re already feeling frazzled – and then your boss dumps an “urgent” project on your desk. You know you’ve got a backlog of emails to deal with from last week and you can feel your stress levels and blood pressure going through the roof.

Now, it’d be nice if you could de-stress by following some of the great advice you’ve no doubt already heard. You know, take a long bath, have an afternoon off, enjoy a long weekend’s vacation, go for an hour-long jog, etc. Unfortunately, you can only afford five minutes. Can you de-stress in five minutes? Yes, you can; just try one of these.

1. Go For A Quick Walk
   Even if you can only spare five minutes, go for a walk (it might just be to the water cooler and back). The aim here is to get yourself away from the immediate source of stress and to calm down. A few minutes to gather your thoughts is all you need to get some perspective.


2. Read Some Fiction
   If I’m seriously worked up, upset or stressed, one of the best things I can do is to grab a book. Fiction is ideal (especially anything funny or uplifting). Reading fiction takes you out of the here-and-now and into a different world. You can forget everything that’s troubling you, for just ten minutes, as you concentrate on the story.


3. Meditate or Pray
   Often, the best thing we can do to instantly de-stress is to simply stop. Many life coaches and stress advisors recommend meditation: there’s no mystery to it, just sit and try to clear your mind of thoughts (perhaps concentrating on a calming image or a word or phrase, if that helps you). I also like to pray – if this suits your religious/spiritual persuasions, it can be a very powerful way to get outside of your own head and call on a higher power for some much-needed help!


4. Watch A Funny Video
   I don’t know about you, but I just can’t stay stressed out when I’m laughing. (It’s like trying to pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time...) If you have a favorite YouTube clip, or if LolCats make you giggle, then give yourself five minutes to indulge. You’ll find that you return to your work – or whatever the source of the stress is – feeling much better equipped to handle it.


5. Make A Herbal Tea
   If you’re feeling uber-stressed, caffeine isn’t going to help. A warm, soothing mug of herbal tea might, though. The act of making yourself a drink can be calming: it gets you away from your desk, and it gives you a chance to concentrate on something physical. You’ll probably also feel a psychological boost from doing something positive and nurturing for yourself.


6. Punch A Pillow
   Depending on where you are when you’re feeling stressed, and on your personality, throwing a few punches at a pillow might help. Think of the stress leaving you through your fist with every punch. (If you’re in the office, please don’t be tempted to use a co-worker as a substitute pillow ... even if said co-worker has caused your stress.)


7. Take Slow, Deep Breaths
   When we get stressed, we tend to breath more quickly, taking shallow breaths. Concentrate on your breathing (you might want to do this in conjunction with meditation or prayer). Imagine breathing from your stomach, not your chest. Take slow, deep, fulfilling breaths. Calming your body down physically in this way is likely to have a knock-on effect on your frazzled mental state.

Do you find yourself getting overly worked up on a regular basis? What are your instant fixes for when you’re feeling stressed?

Written on 5/31/2009 by Ali Hale. Ali is a professional writer and blogger, and a part-time postgraduate student of creative writing. If you need a hand with any sort of written project, drop her a line (ali@aliventures.com) or check out her website at Aliventures. Republished 5/22/2011.

Photo Credit: stuartpilbrow

From First Photo to First Dance

This Memorial Day weekend has been a memory maker for our family.

The first part you can read about here, including the comment for an update: http://www.sclohoreally.com/2011/05/first-photo.html

Earlier in the week I mentioned on Twitter that we should have someone Tweet the Wedding.

Rachael invited a table full of some of her Twitter Friends, (That's usually people that you first meet on Twitter, who become face to face friends too), to the wedding and we nominated Christie to be the official Wedding Tweeper complete with the hashtag #GGWed !


I can see it now, you have a best man, maid of honor, caterer, and now an official Tweeper for your wedding with your own hashtag, so you can read it later!

And the significance of #GGWed?

My daughter Rachael, goes by the Twitter name @GreenGlassHero and her husband is not on Twitter. So we shortened GreenGlass to GG and that made it short enough that others could still have room to Tweet.

So, Christie's Tweeps were mostly pictures which I'll share in a second.

I was not about to Twitter during the wedding, despite my Twitter-holic nature!

In a few hours, I'll be heading to Indianapolis to visit my daughter Tiffany who was supposed to be in the wedding, but decided to give birth to my first grandson Calvin and turn Tiff and her husband Jon from parents-to-be to simply parents! (Welcome to the club!)

Perhaps Tiff got to see the updates as they were going on via the Twitter updates from her hospital room. She was missed by all of us, but I am relieved that both of my daughters have survived May 28th, 2011 with all of the blessings of marriage and a growing family.

Now, a few pictures...



The walk down the stairway was so easy the night before when I was wearing comfortable shoes, but this was the walk of death for my feet. I decided to Man-Up and walk with a smile as a proud parent down the stairs with my daughter Rachael on my arm, with only minutes left to her being a single lady.



The ceremony on the steps in the museum with Rachael and Brandon preparing to exchange vows, rings and later their first dance as Mr. & Mrs.



One of the shots of the reception. Rachael is visible at the head table, and also included in this shot are my son Josh in the blue/purple shirt on the left, and step daughter Abby in the red dress on the right. Sitting in the white shirt next to Abby is her fiance Jeff. Their wedding date is August 13, 2011.



And this is Christie who recorded the wedding with these pictures and Twitter updates.

The weekend and the month continues....

First Photo

Yes, it has been one busy month, and even a very busy 24 hours.

7pm tonight is the wedding of my oldest daughter, Rachael to Brandon.

Yesterday was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner which included among others:

Rachael's brother Josh and his wife Madeline, and her sister Tiffany and husband Jon along with the yet to be born, 5 days overdue, Calvin.

Jon & Tiff were spending the weekend at our house for the wedding when at 12:45 in the night, Tiff's water broke, and they headed back to Indy.

7 hours later, Calvin made his appearance, just before 8am:





The weekend, and month continues.....

That "Other" Generation

This is the due date for my first grandson.

Anytime now I will officially be a grandfather.

I will move one more rung on the generational ladder.

There are a lot of misconceptions about each generation, and working in the advertising business, with 4 different stations, each targeted to a different demographic, I hear a lot of them.

I have friends who range from their 20's to nearly 70 so I've learned the danger of stereotypes.

Let's clear up a few about my kids generation with this report from PRDaily:

10 myths about millennials

By Alan Pearcy

As a natural towhead, I’m a walking punchline for dumb-blond jokes.

Fact is there’s no connection between my stupidity and the luscious locks atop my head. I’m dumb for a whole other set of truths, above and beyond my blond hue that salon colorists can only dream about.

That’s the problem with stereotypes. The connection they draw—in this case, blond equals stupidity—is tenuous at best and fails to account for other circumstances.

As we’re talking stereotypes, I’d like to take this opportunity to confront a few more—the ones that people my age confront daily occasionally. That’s right; I’m part of the so-called millennial generation—a much-maligned and usually misunderstood group of 20-somethings.

Let’s clear up some of the myths about the children of the ’80s, by taking this 10-question quiz. It’s true/false, so you at least have a 50 percent chance on each question. No. 2 pencils ready, and …. begin:

1. Millennials are easily distracted, thereby affecting their work ethic and professional demeanor.

FALSE: Don’t confuse “distracted” with “uninterested.” We don’t like to waste time, as we’ve been bred to believe time is money. If we were easi …. wait, where were we?

2. Millennials always look for the easy way out.

FALSE: Otherwise, I’d have passed this assignment from my editor on to someone else, or found a post online from someone who’d already covered the topic. I didn’t even bother looking for anything of the sort.

3. Millennials are radical liberals.

FALSE: I am, but I don’t recall having those unintentionally drunken political debates at 3 a.m. by myself. From what I remember, there was a conservative about my age across from me.

4. Millennials are unconcerned with worldly affairs.

FALSE: How do you think bin Laden’s death and the royal wedding became trending topics on Twitter?

5. Millennials are snarky, self-indulged narcissists.

FALSE: I just wrote about this on my Twitter account, where you can follow me @iquotesometimes. I’ll also have an unwritten memoir, as well as an untitled one-man show coming soon. I know—without “me,” it’s just aweso.

6. Millennials are the future.

TRUE: As was the generation before us, and the generation before them, and the generation before them. It’s nothing special. It’s just how it goes.

7. Millennials are great team workers.

TRUE: Though past generations might’ve adhered to a sink or swim, survival of the fittest attitude, millennials are social creatures who have always been taught to play nice with others and work as a group—even when their professor stuck them with the worst of the worst in COM 317.

8. Millennials are perhaps the most diverse, progressive generation in U.S. history.

TRUE: From their political stance to their attitude toward equal rights, not to mention their very demographic makeup, millennials stand at the brink of a more global society that’s less ethnocentric than its predecessors.

9. Millennials never finish what they start.

FALSE (but TRUE in this case): Of course we finish things. I finished undergrad, and it only took me seven short years. Kidding—six-and-a-half. However, I decided not to finish this post, which is why we’re ending this list at No. 9 instead of giving you the full 10. What do you want from me? “The Voice” is on.

10. Millennials fight authority.

FALSE: My editor told me there had to be a No. 10.

Tech Tip Tuesday

Technically, this is not a technical tip. But it is possible due to technology.

I used to get slightly annoyed at my parents and their constant picture taking. When I was in my 20's and 30's it seemed like we always had to pose for pictures. I think it was the grandparent in them.

Back then, we didn't have digital cameras. We had film that you had to take somewhere and get developed. Walgreens got a lot of my mom's money back then. Of course she'd always get doubles for a dollar more per roll.

I even have pictures of me looking at pictures!

Times have changed.

All of us have a camera if we have a cellphone. And we don't have to pay to get them developed and see how they turned out.

Later this month, my daughter Tiffany and her husband Jon are going to have their first child.

I'm going to ask her to take one picture a day of Calvin and post it somewhere online.

Somewhere other than Facebook.

Imagine having a daily chronicle of your life from day 1.

Or at least once a week.

If they lived in town, I'd do it myself.

Must be getting the grandpa bug!

Take The Time

Everyone of us have about 16 hours a day to accomplish something.

Maybe more if you sleep less than 8 hours every night, but let's just work with the 16 daily hours x 7 days a week and you've got 112 hours to fill each week.

Take away 50 hours of work time.

And a few hours each day getting up and a few hours eating each day, and there will still be 20 to 40 hours left.

Take the Time for You.

And I don't mean to be selfish about it. Sure, take the time to enjoy some quiet solitude, but part of taking time for you is to share with others.

That could be your kids, your spouse, your other family members or friends.

Now that all of my kids are on their own, my time is spent volunteering and making new relationships.

Monday evening I was one of the judges for the Fort Wayne Advertising Federation Scholarship Awards for 2011.

Tuesday morning I took part in a Fort Wayne Social Media Breakfast.

Tuesday evening I was part of a meeting with the Fort Wayne Three Rivers Festival that is launching a new event during this summers event.

Wednesday evening I took a trip to nearby Columbia City. I was one of the volunteers selected to serve on the Citizens Advisory Panel for the Northeast Indiana Regional Partnership.

I had to miss a meeting with the Anthony Wayne Area Council of B.S.A. marketing team due to other commitments.

And right now I'm in Indianapolis to see my niece perform in a school musical.

This is what I mean by Take The Time.

Life has too many opportunities to ever be bored.

Go live it!

The Big Picture

Easter.

Christmas.

The two most attended church weekends.

There are plenty of scholars who dispute many of the "items" of the Christian faith and I saw a lawyer on Morning Joe this morning talking smack about Jesus.

Let them talk.

I don't care if Jesus was born in August or December.

I don't give up anything for Lent.

But I do have a faith in Jesus as my savior, and I live my life accordingly as a sinner, constantly forgiven, repentant, and amazed.

When I was 22, the woman who became my first wife challenged my thinking and I surrendered my life to Christ.

Three children and 13 years later, we divorced.

11 years ago I met my wife Kathy and now we have been married 121 months. (10 years plus a month if you're not good with math.)

All along, from the age of 22 I never lost my faith. But in my growing up years I attended Lutheran Churches in Fort Wayne, Indiana and never took hold of the faith and made it mine, personally.

What Kathy did, was reintroduce me to the Lutheran Church which took some dealing with due to my own past as a youth in that particular church environment.

But we found a local church that has a good school and a contemporary Saturday night service most weeks and is filled with people and pastors who are sincere about their faith and we have been there ever since.

This Easter weekend, no matter what you believe, be respectful of all, and if you want to know more about my beliefs, just ask. I promise not to clobber you with a Bible.

10 Years Ago

First off, a thanks to all that have been wishing Kathy & I a happy anniversary this year. It started Saturday on Facebook & Twitter since we actually had a small gathering at our home with family & friends.

But today is the real day, back in 2001, before the world changed with 9/11/01, my world changed on 3/17/01 as I married my Irish Lass, Kathleen.

Why St. Pat's Day?

As I mentioned my wife is of Irish heritage. She wanted a happy memory on St. Pat's day for when her Mom was no longer alive, to balance her grief.

Since 3/17/01 was a Saturday it worked out perfectly. Her Mom and brothers and sisters, all of our kids (5 of them), and a few friends gathered in a church that afternoon as we exchanged vows and also traded wedding rings.

These rings I had imported from Ireland. They are Irish Claddaghs and feature an emerald in the center of the heart.

Each year we would take a little vacation, often to Indianapolis, last year to Michigan to celebrate Kathy's Birthday on the 13th and our wedding on the 17th.

This year due to work schedules and upcoming weddings, showers, and graduations, we stayed in town.

And this morning I found this video which is perfect for today:



Picture from CladdaughRing.com

The Important Stuff

As a Dad, Step-Dad, Husband, and who knows what else, I've come to realize a few things the last few years.

About what's really important and what's not.

I've learned that sometimes the most valuable thing you can do is listen and be empathic. This means to say something like, "I see that would be upsetting", or whatever is most appropriate at the time.

I've learned that as a guy, doing that is not natural. My mind goes into Fix The Problem mode. This is not what my wife needs at the moment. First, she needs a good ear.

I've learned not to hold my kids accountable for their hostile attitudes that they had towards their parents when they were teens. Eventually, they will probably have a reversal of attitudes as they mature and become adults facing the issues of new families, young kids, etc in their own lives. I am often amazed at this, but then I think about the relationship I had with my own parents and how it evolved over the years.

I've learned to cherish moments but not furniture, houses, cars or nearly anything else even if there is sentimental value to those possessions. The only thing that really matters is the relationships.

And one final thought for today, is to be adaptable. The past several years my wife and I are usually on a vacation getaway right now. Her birthday is today March 13th and our wedding day is March 17th.

She works every Sunday and so we will have a small birthday dinner this evening, but even our plans for that changed. I was going to prepare steaks and a delicious dinner but instead we will have leftovers and birthday cake.

These leftovers will be pretty tasty.

Last night we had friends and family over as we celebrated 10 years of marriage (5 days early due to work schedules), and we have some fantastic goodies in our frig that we will enjoy.

Thanks to all the friends and family for the well wishes and continuing friendships.

(By the way, for some silly reason, 2011 seems to be the year we forget to take pictures! So the photo above is from 10 years ago when we were honeymooning in Chicago.)

Saturday Night Classic Music Video

Today kicks off a very special 5 days.

My wife Kathy and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage on Thursday. We have 5 kids ranging in age from 22 to 30 from our previous marriages.

March 17th 2001 Kathy and I dedicated ourselves to each other and committed our relationship to God and we said our vows in front of our kids, our Moms and friends at St. Johns Lutheran.

At this moment, Kathy and I are gathered again, this time at our home with family and friends for a renewal of those vows and dinner.

The song that you'll hear is the song that I selected as our wedding song a decade ago, and thousands of others have done the same:

An Honest Conversation(s)

This month Kathy & I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage. It's the second time for each of us and most of our kids are either married or will be in less than 7 months.

Before you say "I Do", there are some conversations you need to have with your mate.

From the DLM blog:

Things to Consider Before Getting Married

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 02:25 PM PST

After 7 years of marriage I can honestly say that I would do it again without changing much. Well, maybe we would have spent our money a little more conservatively but as far as the the decision on marriage - it was a perfect one.

Unfortunately, as I consider our acquaintances and their marriages, it's clear that all marriages are not created equal. Cheating, drug addiction, financial woes, and chronic fighting surrounds us and often times we are stuck in the middle as these people come to us for advice.

Here are a handful of things that have become common themes. My assumption is that you've already talked about religion, having kids, sex, etc. If not, you really need to open up the communication.

So before you say "I Do", make sure you have at least considered these:

• Ability to Compromise
  There are subtle changes that most people can make in their lives in order to make their spouse happy. This is part of the never ending compromise phase that is critical.
  
  When single, I'd watch football games at bars every Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Thursday). Once married, I toned it down to one day. This is a manageable change that I was willing to make. However, had my wife insisted that I give up all sports entirely, I would have resisted and eventually resented her. That resent would have spread and ultimately influenced my overall attitude towards her.
  
  The same is true for just about everything. The willingness of the other person to compromise today (of the lack thereof) and your reaction to it will prove to be a precedent setting event. If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. Don't be shocked and appalled by it when it happens three years from now- you knew this going in and you accepted it!
  


• Money
  Yes, we all want it but once we have it who controls it. My wife started direct depositing her paychecks into my account after 3 months of dating. I actually don't recommend that so soon but she was bad with money and she admitted it. For us, it was a matter of getting our credit into shape (we had 640 credit and back then, now its 800+) and we needed a strategy to pay off her college and my personal debt.
  
  Once that debt was paid off and we moved into our house, I turned the finances back over to her after a crash course in on time payments and credit. I never looked back. I enjoyed the strategy part of it but not the day-to-day grind of bill paying. She actually enjoyed it because as a stay at home Mom, it gave her the insight she needed to plan for grocery purchases, clothes for the kids, etc.
  
  So before you get hitched, what is your plan today and 5 years from now? Who is handling what?
  


• Who cleans the toilets?
  Toilets and the remainder of the housework is a constant issue. It all needs to get done and it's not the most fun. Setup a plan for this in the beginning. My suggestion is a weekly rotation - perhaps you'll come up with something different. The point of this is to set the expectation on both sides so that someone doesn't feel like a housekeeper. Chores need to be shared regardless of the work and income situation. Being a woman doesn't mean the wife has to handle at all.
  


• The plan
  In talking to people, it became pretty apparent that their initial goals were in line but after the kids are born and careers take off, there is a fork in the road. I agree that all plans change and there is no way to write a script for your marriage but a lot of the confusion can be removed by having a 1, 3, 6 and 9 year plan. You should have this conversation now and then revisit it all the time. This does not mean you only review goals at these intervals. These are simply due dates.
  
  I am often questioned as to why 1,3,6,9.
  
  • 1 Year Plan: This one is obvious. After the wedding, where will you live, where will you eventually live. Who handles what, what is the combined income, what can we afford etc.
    
  • At 3 years: You are no longer newlyweds and you are perhaps considering kids. Heck, you may already have a kid at this point. You need a plan for that, a plan for who works, who stays home, what type of daycare, etc. This is also around the time that your first condo or "couple's house" loses it appeal. What kind of house do we want? Where? Can we afford that? How are the schools? What is Plan B if someone gets fired? Do we know what utilities cost?
    
  • 6 years: We have all heard of the 7 year itch. Therefore, it stands to reason that you have a plan set with a deadline of 6 years. Where do you want the marriage to be in 6 years? Communication habits, sex life, careers...everything. Talk about it now and periodically consider making adjustments based on the the success of your approach. Plans are meant to be changed.
    
  • 9 years: Again, where do you want to the marriage to be in 9 years? Why? What will life be like? How many kids will we have by then? Are we sending them to public school? What if someone's parent dies? What is one of us becomes seriously ill?
• Holidays
  Just discuss how and where you will celebrate holidays. This is a battle for nearly everyone I know.


• Discipline
  Are we spanking the kids, are we talking and coaching or are we doing both? No matter how happy you are now, if you're against physical discipline and your spouse is not, you will slowly learn to resent and dislike him/her each time a spanking is doled out. Discuss it NOW and avoid a surprise.
  


• Ok, religion
  How important is it and how will we teach the kids?


• Communications, cheating
  I don't care how many conversations you have, no one will ever openly state that they "may cheat". A key here is to be undoubtedly sure that the precedent is set for open communication. If a wife is not happy, the FIRST action on her part should be to talk to the husband (and vice versa). The only way to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. If you become enraged every time your spouse tries to talk to you, you are pushing away an opportunity to fix a problem. Take time out and actually LISTEN. Marriage is not an argument or a punishment unless you make it one.

There are clearly a lot of other things to consider. Bad choices are going to made regardless of how thorough you plan; that's life. You wouldn't go on a 1,500 mile road trip without putting some thought into it and your marriage should be thought of in the same way. By planning and talking, the aim is to minimize the possible obstacles by first identifying them and getting them out in the open before they reach a critical, war-type, level.

What do you wish you discussed or planned before tying the knot? Feel free to leave an anonymous comment - perhaps it will help others.

-Jay

Written on 10/2/2007 by me, Jay White, the founder of Dumb Little Man and an all around average guy. Republished on 2/22/2011 and now it's 11 years! Yikes, I'm old!

Photo Credit: SimonShaw

Living in Real Life too

Before you had a computer and a cellphone, (if you are that old!), you had an off-line life.

In order for you to spend time online, you had to reduce time you spent doing something else.

Do you know what that was, that you used to do, before you started spending time online?

Do you spend less time watching TV?

Do you spend less time talking with your spouse?

Do you spend less time exercising?

Do you even know what you used to do with the time you created to be online?

Please use your time online appropriately.

This means different things to each of us.

If relationships are being neglected, make changes.

If there are other projects that are being neglected, make changes.

One more point on this subject, and it's about giving.

These days, my kids are grown, getting married, making grandkids and doing the things I did 25 years ago.

My wife and I have more freedom with our time than we did years ago. Yes, we both work at least 5 days a week, but without kids we really enjoy being able to pick and choose what to do after hours.

One of the things I do is give of my time. Some of the organizations that I am involved with include the Fort Wayne Central Lions Club, The Anthony Wayne Area Council (Scouting), The Fort Wayne chapter of the American Advertising Federation, The Gus Macker Basketball tournament, The Three Rivers Festival, and a few other events and organizations as they come up.

We also attend a weekly worship service at our church and have launched a couple of businesses.

And just because our kids are in their 20's, doesn't mean we are not involved with them. Between last year and this year, we have 3 weddings, another college graduation, my stepson had a daughter, his third child; and my youngest and her husband are expecting their first child.

Everything that I'm aware of right now with our kids will be over by mid-August, but they will be replaced with new things.

I challenge you to keep a balance in your online and off-line lives, use the online world as a tool, not a replacement for life in the flesh.

Thoughts on Divorce from a Happily Married Man

At the age of 51, I am surprised at how common Divorce is in our American culture.

And my attitude has changed.

Growing up in the 60's and 70's divorce was something to be ashamed of. I honestly thought that when I left home in 1978, my parents would split up because of the conflicts I witnessed as a teenager. Some of their friends started splitting up in the mid-1970's and I thought they were headed down that same path.

They stayed together and later in life I had a heart to heart talk with my Mom after my Dad had passed away, and she told me how they learned to lean on each other more and more later in life.

When I was divorced after 13 years and 3 kids, I felt like an outcast. With a strong Christian background, and as a member of a church in a small town in Indiana, divorce was not encouraged.

Since that time in September 1995, both my first wife and I have remarried. Our current spouses were also previously married. And these days we all get along, better than some would expect. My ex-wife and her husband live about an hour west of us, my wife's ex-husband lives about 10 minutes away.

Maybe when there is a divorce with no children, you can sign the papers and never see each other. But in our cases, we had children and we started with joint custody arrangements, followed by child support and visitation schedules, college funding, wedding planning and coming later this year my first grandson will be born.

There is holiday planning, who's having what when, etc... and I am thankful to all involved that we are able to work things out. It's not easy, but it's our lives.

When you marry, you should plan on it being a forever commitment. If you are not willing to make that commitment, you should not marry. It's that simple.

Yet divorce is always an option of last resort. It should be considered as carefully as you considered getting married.

As I look at my parents who stayed together, and my wife's parents who stayed together until our fathers passed away, I used to be envious of that kind of fortitude. But as I look around, I've seen divorce in at least 5 family members relationships and I know it can be okay on the other side.

As part of the church service where we attend, we ask someone sitting near us, "How Can I Pray For You?" Yesterday the woman behind me asked for prayers for her son who is going through a divorce. Then last night Kathy and I watched a movie about a woman who I thought should have left her husband due to his alcoholic and abusive behavior, but she didn't.

I've learned not to assume, not to judge, to pray for the people and to offer support. God forgives everything that we ask forgiveness for. No sin is greater than any other is His eyes. And we are all imperfect (sinning) human beings.

There is life after divorce, as both my wife Kathy and I have discovered. In March we will celebrate 10 years as "Second-Timers". I have seen other friends and family members create wonderful marriages as "Second-Timers".

In May my oldest daughter marries, and a couple months later our youngest, my step-daughter marries. Nearly all of our 5 kids will have spouses by mid-August. One of them is already a "Second-Timer".

And we will continue to pray for them daily no matter what the circumstances.

By the way, Monday afternoon at this time, I'll post a list of 50 things to keep the romance alive that I found recently.