The Big Picture

Easter.

Christmas.

The two most attended church weekends.

There are plenty of scholars who dispute many of the "items" of the Christian faith and I saw a lawyer on Morning Joe this morning talking smack about Jesus.

Let them talk.

I don't care if Jesus was born in August or December.

I don't give up anything for Lent.

But I do have a faith in Jesus as my savior, and I live my life accordingly as a sinner, constantly forgiven, repentant, and amazed.

When I was 22, the woman who became my first wife challenged my thinking and I surrendered my life to Christ.

Three children and 13 years later, we divorced.

11 years ago I met my wife Kathy and now we have been married 121 months. (10 years plus a month if you're not good with math.)

All along, from the age of 22 I never lost my faith. But in my growing up years I attended Lutheran Churches in Fort Wayne, Indiana and never took hold of the faith and made it mine, personally.

What Kathy did, was reintroduce me to the Lutheran Church which took some dealing with due to my own past as a youth in that particular church environment.

But we found a local church that has a good school and a contemporary Saturday night service most weeks and is filled with people and pastors who are sincere about their faith and we have been there ever since.

This Easter weekend, no matter what you believe, be respectful of all, and if you want to know more about my beliefs, just ask. I promise not to clobber you with a Bible.

10 Years Ago

First off, a thanks to all that have been wishing Kathy & I a happy anniversary this year. It started Saturday on Facebook & Twitter since we actually had a small gathering at our home with family & friends.

But today is the real day, back in 2001, before the world changed with 9/11/01, my world changed on 3/17/01 as I married my Irish Lass, Kathleen.

Why St. Pat's Day?

As I mentioned my wife is of Irish heritage. She wanted a happy memory on St. Pat's day for when her Mom was no longer alive, to balance her grief.

Since 3/17/01 was a Saturday it worked out perfectly. Her Mom and brothers and sisters, all of our kids (5 of them), and a few friends gathered in a church that afternoon as we exchanged vows and also traded wedding rings.

These rings I had imported from Ireland. They are Irish Claddaghs and feature an emerald in the center of the heart.

Each year we would take a little vacation, often to Indianapolis, last year to Michigan to celebrate Kathy's Birthday on the 13th and our wedding on the 17th.

This year due to work schedules and upcoming weddings, showers, and graduations, we stayed in town.

And this morning I found this video which is perfect for today:



Picture from CladdaughRing.com

The Important Stuff

As a Dad, Step-Dad, Husband, and who knows what else, I've come to realize a few things the last few years.

About what's really important and what's not.

I've learned that sometimes the most valuable thing you can do is listen and be empathic. This means to say something like, "I see that would be upsetting", or whatever is most appropriate at the time.

I've learned that as a guy, doing that is not natural. My mind goes into Fix The Problem mode. This is not what my wife needs at the moment. First, she needs a good ear.

I've learned not to hold my kids accountable for their hostile attitudes that they had towards their parents when they were teens. Eventually, they will probably have a reversal of attitudes as they mature and become adults facing the issues of new families, young kids, etc in their own lives. I am often amazed at this, but then I think about the relationship I had with my own parents and how it evolved over the years.

I've learned to cherish moments but not furniture, houses, cars or nearly anything else even if there is sentimental value to those possessions. The only thing that really matters is the relationships.

And one final thought for today, is to be adaptable. The past several years my wife and I are usually on a vacation getaway right now. Her birthday is today March 13th and our wedding day is March 17th.

She works every Sunday and so we will have a small birthday dinner this evening, but even our plans for that changed. I was going to prepare steaks and a delicious dinner but instead we will have leftovers and birthday cake.

These leftovers will be pretty tasty.

Last night we had friends and family over as we celebrated 10 years of marriage (5 days early due to work schedules), and we have some fantastic goodies in our frig that we will enjoy.

Thanks to all the friends and family for the well wishes and continuing friendships.

(By the way, for some silly reason, 2011 seems to be the year we forget to take pictures! So the photo above is from 10 years ago when we were honeymooning in Chicago.)

Saturday Night Classic Music Video

Today kicks off a very special 5 days.

My wife Kathy and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage on Thursday. We have 5 kids ranging in age from 22 to 30 from our previous marriages.

March 17th 2001 Kathy and I dedicated ourselves to each other and committed our relationship to God and we said our vows in front of our kids, our Moms and friends at St. Johns Lutheran.

At this moment, Kathy and I are gathered again, this time at our home with family and friends for a renewal of those vows and dinner.

The song that you'll hear is the song that I selected as our wedding song a decade ago, and thousands of others have done the same:

An Honest Conversation(s)

This month Kathy & I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage. It's the second time for each of us and most of our kids are either married or will be in less than 7 months.

Before you say "I Do", there are some conversations you need to have with your mate.

From the DLM blog:

Things to Consider Before Getting Married

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 02:25 PM PST

After 7 years of marriage I can honestly say that I would do it again without changing much. Well, maybe we would have spent our money a little more conservatively but as far as the the decision on marriage - it was a perfect one.

Unfortunately, as I consider our acquaintances and their marriages, it's clear that all marriages are not created equal. Cheating, drug addiction, financial woes, and chronic fighting surrounds us and often times we are stuck in the middle as these people come to us for advice.

Here are a handful of things that have become common themes. My assumption is that you've already talked about religion, having kids, sex, etc. If not, you really need to open up the communication.

So before you say "I Do", make sure you have at least considered these:

• Ability to Compromise
  There are subtle changes that most people can make in their lives in order to make their spouse happy. This is part of the never ending compromise phase that is critical.
  
  When single, I'd watch football games at bars every Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes Thursday). Once married, I toned it down to one day. This is a manageable change that I was willing to make. However, had my wife insisted that I give up all sports entirely, I would have resisted and eventually resented her. That resent would have spread and ultimately influenced my overall attitude towards her.
  
  The same is true for just about everything. The willingness of the other person to compromise today (of the lack thereof) and your reaction to it will prove to be a precedent setting event. If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. Don't be shocked and appalled by it when it happens three years from now- you knew this going in and you accepted it!
  


• Money
  Yes, we all want it but once we have it who controls it. My wife started direct depositing her paychecks into my account after 3 months of dating. I actually don't recommend that so soon but she was bad with money and she admitted it. For us, it was a matter of getting our credit into shape (we had 640 credit and back then, now its 800+) and we needed a strategy to pay off her college and my personal debt.
  
  Once that debt was paid off and we moved into our house, I turned the finances back over to her after a crash course in on time payments and credit. I never looked back. I enjoyed the strategy part of it but not the day-to-day grind of bill paying. She actually enjoyed it because as a stay at home Mom, it gave her the insight she needed to plan for grocery purchases, clothes for the kids, etc.
  
  So before you get hitched, what is your plan today and 5 years from now? Who is handling what?
  


• Who cleans the toilets?
  Toilets and the remainder of the housework is a constant issue. It all needs to get done and it's not the most fun. Setup a plan for this in the beginning. My suggestion is a weekly rotation - perhaps you'll come up with something different. The point of this is to set the expectation on both sides so that someone doesn't feel like a housekeeper. Chores need to be shared regardless of the work and income situation. Being a woman doesn't mean the wife has to handle at all.
  


• The plan
  In talking to people, it became pretty apparent that their initial goals were in line but after the kids are born and careers take off, there is a fork in the road. I agree that all plans change and there is no way to write a script for your marriage but a lot of the confusion can be removed by having a 1, 3, 6 and 9 year plan. You should have this conversation now and then revisit it all the time. This does not mean you only review goals at these intervals. These are simply due dates.
  
  I am often questioned as to why 1,3,6,9.
  
  • 1 Year Plan: This one is obvious. After the wedding, where will you live, where will you eventually live. Who handles what, what is the combined income, what can we afford etc.
    
  • At 3 years: You are no longer newlyweds and you are perhaps considering kids. Heck, you may already have a kid at this point. You need a plan for that, a plan for who works, who stays home, what type of daycare, etc. This is also around the time that your first condo or "couple's house" loses it appeal. What kind of house do we want? Where? Can we afford that? How are the schools? What is Plan B if someone gets fired? Do we know what utilities cost?
    
  • 6 years: We have all heard of the 7 year itch. Therefore, it stands to reason that you have a plan set with a deadline of 6 years. Where do you want the marriage to be in 6 years? Communication habits, sex life, careers...everything. Talk about it now and periodically consider making adjustments based on the the success of your approach. Plans are meant to be changed.
    
  • 9 years: Again, where do you want to the marriage to be in 9 years? Why? What will life be like? How many kids will we have by then? Are we sending them to public school? What if someone's parent dies? What is one of us becomes seriously ill?
• Holidays
  Just discuss how and where you will celebrate holidays. This is a battle for nearly everyone I know.


• Discipline
  Are we spanking the kids, are we talking and coaching or are we doing both? No matter how happy you are now, if you're against physical discipline and your spouse is not, you will slowly learn to resent and dislike him/her each time a spanking is doled out. Discuss it NOW and avoid a surprise.
  


• Ok, religion
  How important is it and how will we teach the kids?


• Communications, cheating
  I don't care how many conversations you have, no one will ever openly state that they "may cheat". A key here is to be undoubtedly sure that the precedent is set for open communication. If a wife is not happy, the FIRST action on her part should be to talk to the husband (and vice versa). The only way to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. If you become enraged every time your spouse tries to talk to you, you are pushing away an opportunity to fix a problem. Take time out and actually LISTEN. Marriage is not an argument or a punishment unless you make it one.

There are clearly a lot of other things to consider. Bad choices are going to made regardless of how thorough you plan; that's life. You wouldn't go on a 1,500 mile road trip without putting some thought into it and your marriage should be thought of in the same way. By planning and talking, the aim is to minimize the possible obstacles by first identifying them and getting them out in the open before they reach a critical, war-type, level.

What do you wish you discussed or planned before tying the knot? Feel free to leave an anonymous comment - perhaps it will help others.

-Jay

Written on 10/2/2007 by me, Jay White, the founder of Dumb Little Man and an all around average guy. Republished on 2/22/2011 and now it's 11 years! Yikes, I'm old!

Photo Credit: SimonShaw

Nearly 10 years

March 17, 2001.

The day I married Kathy.

I am amazed at what we have gone through with kids, stepkids, other family, and each other.

2 months from today will be our tenth anniversary and I love my wife even more than in 2001.

We are working on a plan to renew our vows with a few friends and family to celebrate.

But it's not just anniversaries that we celebrate, we have our weekly date night on Fridays, and we attempt to be mindful of what is important to each other in our daily lives.

Last Friday was one of those rare days that we didn't have our date night, I was home recovering from a quick illness and as she was out with her son and grandson. Which gave me some time to find this list of 50 things to keep the romance alive from the DLM Blog.

50 Very Simple Ways to Be Romantic

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 11:30 AM PST

Ok, so maybe Valentine's Day isn't for another month, but that doesn't mean you can't show your partner some special attention now. In fact, I invite you to join me in this experiment. The plan is to show your love for your partner in a small and different way each day for a whole month and see what magic happens.

Here are a list of 50 things you can do to express your love. If things aren't good between you and your partner right now, this might be just the thing to slowly melt the ice between you both. If things are already good, this will strengthen your relationship further. By the way, there is nothing expensive on this list so there is no excuse not to give this a shot.

1. Write "I love you" in the steam on the bathroom mirror after he takes a shower.
   


2. Offer a back massage with some good smelling lotion.
   


3. Write a poem. Then use Google Translator to translate a poem into either French or Italian. Then handwrite it out with the translation on the back side. Or better yet, greet your partner at night and read it to them with passion and then hand them the translation.
   


4. While in public, declare "I love you, Matilda!" (not Matilda, but your partner's name.)
   


5. Make a CD with a few songs that are meaningful to your relationship.
   


6. Invite him to take a bath complete with bubbles, champagne, candles, and maybe a little Barry White. (the music, not actually Barry White in your tub.)
   


7. Surprise her at work and take her out to lunch, maybe take-out food in the park or maybe to a little diner, for a midday romantic interlude.
   


8. Put together a little gift on his pillow: chocolate and a note that says "Your love is like chocolate: sweet and delicious."
   


9. If your partner has a work presentation at an off site location, have flowers and a note of support delivered there.
   


10. Dedicate a song to him on the radio and send him an email telling him when to listen.
    


11. Cook a special love meal of your partner's favorite foods. Play his favorite music and turn the lights low for a romantic dinner.
    


12. Give your partner a pedicure and foot rub.
    


13. Send a text message or email that says "I love you!"
    


14. Mail a card and inside write down the top 10 things you love about your partner.
    


15. Give him a picture of you for his wallet that says "I love you."
    


16. Leave a love note in her car telling her to have a great day.
    


17. Carve your initials in a tree.
    


18. When your partner least expects it, give him a great big kiss, even if it's in public!
    


19. Go see a romantic movie, sit in the back row, hold hands, and cuddle.
    


20. King for a Day/ Queen for a Day. Declare that you will dedicate a particular day just to your partner to do whatever they want. Maybe start with breakfast in bed.
    


21. Buy a tree and invite your partner to plant it with you explaining that this tree represents the love between you both that will grow over the years.
    


22. In the midst of talking about how your days went, the chores that need to be done, etc. interrupt and say "I have something important to tell you. I love you and here's why." Then list 5 things (or more) that you really appreciate about your partner. Finish with a kiss and say, "Ok, so you were talking about the water heater."
    


23. Write an old fashioned love letter and mail it. Be romantic and lavish. Have some fun with it.
    


24. Before going to a party together come up with some secret code words you can use during conversation. You can be telling each other "I can't wait to get you alone tonight!" without anyone knowing!
    


25. Find a hotel that has a jacuzzi and book it for a one night getaway somewhere close but fun.
    


26. Place an ad in the classifieds declaring your love. Then take the newspaper, wrap it in a bow, and put a little note on it saying what page to look on.
    


27. Blindfold surprise. Blindfold your partner and drive them to the place where you had your first date, and have that date all over again!
    


28. Write a love poem for her.
    


29. Make an early valentine. Cut out some paper in the shape of a heart. Write something sweet on it in red and put it in her purse or his briefcase.
    


30. If your partner is going on a business trip secretly hide a love note inside their luggage.
    


31. Offer to help them with some dreaded chore they must complete and make it into a fun time maybe with some music. (cleaning out the basement, raking the leaves, shoveling after a big snow storm, giving the dog a bath, washing the car, etc.)
    


32. Do something romantic and spontaneous, like picking a flower and giving it to her right on the spot.
    


33. Invent a meal and name it after him or her.
    


34. Buy some body paint and write your love message on your body.
    


35. Record yourself reading a romantic love poem for your honey. Then give your partner a CD and tell them to play it in the car on their way to work.
    


36. Make a small postcard sized love collage. Then cover it with clear packing tape. Write a love message on the other side and mail it!
    


37. Keep a box with mementos of fun things you've done together. Later when the box is filled, arrange them on a board and have it framed.
    


38. Buy some underwear with special messages on it. Or buy your own and paint a special picture or message with fabric paints.
    


39. Make a donation to charity in the name of your love for your partner. Give your sweetheart a card that tells how grateful you are to share your life with her.
    


40. Keep a box with special cards, letters, photographs, and other mementos. On your anniversary or on Valentine's day take a little time to share fond memories together as you review the contents.
    


41. Create a mindmap of all the things you love about your partner and make it into a card.
    


42. Take a walk on the beach together. Run up ahead and write a message in the sand, and then call your partner to see what you "found."
    


43. Say "I love you" often, slowly, and with feeling.
    


44. Play hooky together. You work hard. Now today take a day to work easy at just sharing some fun time together. Call it an "I love you day."
    


45. Send an e-card to your sweetie to brighten his day. Here are free e-card resources: Apple iCards, BlueMountain, Hallmark.
    


46. Make little "I love you" posters with either crayons, markers, collage, paint, whatever. Post them in surprising places: the bathroom, the closet, the car, under her pillow, on her pillow.
    


47. Create a small website or blog dedicated to your partner. Write a short love message each day for a month...or forever.
    


48. Complete that chore or favor that your partner has wanted you to do for a long time.
    


49. Be super kind for a whole day. Act like you would with a new love, a child, or a frail person. Show lots of kindness, generosity, and love no matter what for a whole day.
    


50. Take an interest in your partner's interests. For a woman it might be watching a football game with your guy. And for men it might be going to see a chick-flick. Do it with a spirit of enthusiasm and love. Have fun.
    

Print this out and do one each day. Make up your own. You don't have to tell your partner that this is something you are doing. Just do it. Who knows, maybe you'll establish a positive habit of expressing your love on a daily basis.

Please share your favorite ways to tell your partner you love them!

Written on 1/3/2008 by K. Stone, the author of of Life Learning Today, a blog about daily life improvements. Republished on 1/13/2011.

Photo Credit: by photon

Thoughts on Divorce from a Happily Married Man

At the age of 51, I am surprised at how common Divorce is in our American culture.

And my attitude has changed.

Growing up in the 60's and 70's divorce was something to be ashamed of. I honestly thought that when I left home in 1978, my parents would split up because of the conflicts I witnessed as a teenager. Some of their friends started splitting up in the mid-1970's and I thought they were headed down that same path.

They stayed together and later in life I had a heart to heart talk with my Mom after my Dad had passed away, and she told me how they learned to lean on each other more and more later in life.

When I was divorced after 13 years and 3 kids, I felt like an outcast. With a strong Christian background, and as a member of a church in a small town in Indiana, divorce was not encouraged.

Since that time in September 1995, both my first wife and I have remarried. Our current spouses were also previously married. And these days we all get along, better than some would expect. My ex-wife and her husband live about an hour west of us, my wife's ex-husband lives about 10 minutes away.

Maybe when there is a divorce with no children, you can sign the papers and never see each other. But in our cases, we had children and we started with joint custody arrangements, followed by child support and visitation schedules, college funding, wedding planning and coming later this year my first grandson will be born.

There is holiday planning, who's having what when, etc... and I am thankful to all involved that we are able to work things out. It's not easy, but it's our lives.

When you marry, you should plan on it being a forever commitment. If you are not willing to make that commitment, you should not marry. It's that simple.

Yet divorce is always an option of last resort. It should be considered as carefully as you considered getting married.

As I look at my parents who stayed together, and my wife's parents who stayed together until our fathers passed away, I used to be envious of that kind of fortitude. But as I look around, I've seen divorce in at least 5 family members relationships and I know it can be okay on the other side.

As part of the church service where we attend, we ask someone sitting near us, "How Can I Pray For You?" Yesterday the woman behind me asked for prayers for her son who is going through a divorce. Then last night Kathy and I watched a movie about a woman who I thought should have left her husband due to his alcoholic and abusive behavior, but she didn't.

I've learned not to assume, not to judge, to pray for the people and to offer support. God forgives everything that we ask forgiveness for. No sin is greater than any other is His eyes. And we are all imperfect (sinning) human beings.

There is life after divorce, as both my wife Kathy and I have discovered. In March we will celebrate 10 years as "Second-Timers". I have seen other friends and family members create wonderful marriages as "Second-Timers".

In May my oldest daughter marries, and a couple months later our youngest, my step-daughter marries. Nearly all of our 5 kids will have spouses by mid-August. One of them is already a "Second-Timer".

And we will continue to pray for them daily no matter what the circumstances.

By the way, Monday afternoon at this time, I'll post a list of 50 things to keep the romance alive that I found recently.

What's a Senior?

6 months ago, I turned 50.

All of a sudden I have all kinds of offers coming my direction because I'm a "Senior".

No, I'm not.

AARP wants me to join.

Numerous retirement homes want me to move in.

My wife who is a couple years older than me takes advantage of the "Senior Coffee" at McDonalds, which is 1/2 price. She's smart. And cute too.

What kicked off this little rant is yesterday, I got a newsletter in my email directed to the Seniors 50+.

Hey, I'm not a Senior Citizen!

A friend of mine who is also 50 has an 11 year old daughter. He's getting the same crap in his mail too.

Being in the advertising and marketing business, I understand that we used to think that seniors were old, wrinkly and retired. I recall my own parents being in their 50's when I was in my 20's but I never thought of them as being old and a senior citizen.

Now I'll admit that one of my business cards says Senior Account Executive, but that's because I've been there, successfully, longer than anyone else. (Currently in my 8th year under the same roof).

But if you see my wife and I at the movies, we order the kids meal. It comes with Popcorn, Drink and a packet of gummy bears.

And you can shove your Senior status in your Depends!

The Love You Give

This is a retailers dream weekend. Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday. Which means it's not just a day, but an entire weekend. My Dad used to publicly declare it as, "another one of those merchant's holidays", but he also knew how important it was to make my Mom feel loved.

Guys, if you blow it today, it is 90% your fault. The best relationships are built around open and honest communication. Valentine's Day didn't just sneak up on you. You knew it was coming, and she did too.

Communication is when you talk ahead of an event to discover what you can do to give love to the other person that is a combination of you, and what speaks the language of love to her.

The other 10% falls on our partners. We need you to be honest with us. Open and honest communication. Don't tell us that Valentines Day isn't important to you and then act all hurt and disappointed because we took you for your word.

One of the ways to show love is to listen. Listen with your ears and with your heart.

This year I learned that my wife would be satisfied with a couple of roses instead of a full dozen, and she asked for me to fix dinner. We also have a coffee shop tradition which we did Saturday morning.

Saturday afternoon I went to our local Fresh Market where they go above and beyond when it comes to flowers. Their price was better than other places too. A dozen for $14.99. Then they re-wrapped them in my choice of color of tissue paper and ribbon so it would look like the $40 or $50 variety from a florist. I gave them to her yesterday afternoon.

The other reason I went to Fresh Market was to pick out the steaks that I am preparing today. The meat department got most of my money yesterday, but it will be worth it when we dine this evening. A couple of specially prepared ribeyes that I learned to cook a couple years ago along with baked potatoes complete with butter and sour cream; corn, and a special salad that I'll prepare. For dessert, we'll share cheesecake, also from Fresh Market.

There will also be an exchange of cards. I picked mine up Saturday, but I've been working on it all week. One of the ideas my wife had was to write in our cards some of the ways our lives have changed because of the other person. So I customized my card for her.

My wife is the oldest girl in a family with 7 siblings. Her "birth order programming" means she cares for and worries about others in her family and circle of friends. Not just kids, step-kids, kid-in-laws, but also siblings and their families.

She has an older brother who lives in Fort Wayne. Mike joined us last night when we were playing euchre and as my card playing brother-in-law partner, we won both games.

Yesterday, my wife surprised me by declaring she wanted to paint one of the walls in our family room, so after our coffee, we went and picked out the paint, bought the supplies and next week, she is planning on painting. Except....

Except, she won't have to.

Because yesterday her brother confided to me that he wanted to surprise her and so while she is at work today, he is painting the wall. That's another expression of Love.

By the time this post appears on this blog, we will be finishing our meal, bellies full, appetites satisfied, taste buds jumping for joy. Laughter will have filled our home another day because of the love that was given.

I hope your weekend is just as satisfying.

The List

Yesterday at this time I posted a thank you note that I sent to my friends and family who attended my surprise 50th Birthday Party last week.

One reason it was a surprise was it was 6 days premature! So as of now I am officially 50.

A few days ago while taking a break from work, I decided to do a 20 unasked questions list. Here we go:

1. Right handed, most of the time except throwing a frisbee and miniature golf.

2. Middle name, Louis is in honor of my Mom's Dad. He passed away around 1936, when my Mom was just 3 years old.

3. Yellow is my favorite color. Growing up I bought yellow bikes and would have bought a yellow car if I could find one that fit my needs when I was car shopping.

4. I am an Eagle Scout. Earned that award on the eve of my 18th birthday.

5. I dislike most advertising. That's why I'm in the advertising/marketing business. To make a difference.

6. My favorite form of caffeine is Diet Mountain Dew. In a Can. Or On the Rocks. Drinking it out of plastic bottles tastes funny. This is my usual morning beverage 6 days a week. If there were Pop Shops like Coffee Shops, with free wi-fi, I'd give up coffee.

7. A white Mocha is my favorite coffee drink at a coffee shop. And the Firefly in Fort Wayne is my "North Office".

8. I've had a beard more than 50% of my life. And a mustache at least 2/3rd's.

9. Every once in a while I miss not being on the air as a radio personality. But I prefer the life I live now over the 6 day a week work schedules the D.J's have now. I spent 10 years on the air from age 16 to 26, followed by a few more sporadic years. And tomorrow morning I'm hosting a talk show as a fill-in for one of my weekend hosts. That's enough.

10. I don't blow my nose. (Not really that unusual as I rarely am ill.)

11. I used to be an inch taller.

12. I used to be shy.

13. Steve Martin, and Robin Williams are two of my favorite comics.

14. There used to be a hidden door in the basement of the house I grew up in.

15. I once had a stuffed toy Easter Bunny that my dad won in a "Guess the Number of Jelly Bean" contest. He was over 5 feet tall.

16. I know how to run a thermoformer and drive a forklift.

17. When both of your parents have passed away, and you have no siblings, at first you feel like an orphan, no matter how old you are.

18. I am a Christian, even though I don't fully understand all the details, and I take issue with some of the things my own church believes. But I'm okay with that, because I know my own faith story.

19. I played basketball at the Coliseum. (Can you spot me in the picture?)

20. I am proud of and love every member of my family, even when we disagree. I expect to be married forever.

Soul Searching?

There have been times in my life when I felt settled, other times when I have been restless. Right now, it's a combination of both. And I'll lay out more than I usually do publicly.

Restless. It comes from the work/career part of my life. 6 years ago this month I returned to the radio business full time as an advertising sales person. During the past 1/2 dozen years I have worked for between 4 and 6 "bosses", had my job title and position change just as many times and I've never "left the building". When I was hired, I was one of 6 that was hired that month and one of 12 on the sales staff. We grew to around 20 and then shrank to our current level of 4.

The radio stations themselves have changed too. When I started we had a News/Talk/Sports station, a Top 40 station, an Alternative Rock station, an Adult Contemporary station and a Classic Hits station. They evolved and changed and now we have a Classic Rock Station, Adult Standards Station and a Hip-Hop Top 40 style station.

But while I believe in the power of the medium of radio, and what it can do for local business owners that want to invite people to do business with them, I also have a restlessness going on.

About 5 1/2 years ago I bought my first laptop and grew with the power of the internet and became a bit of a local "go-to guy" when people wanted to learn how to connect both on line and off line. My interests in advertising were not limited to radio advertising.

As a matter of fact, my interests in marketing were not limited to advertising. I have seen myself grow and evolve into more of a "relationship based marketing expert". That involves using human relationship principles to create advertising, communication and marketing that works no matter what form of media is employed.

My employment with the radio station is stable but limiting in the scope of what can be done. So a few years ago I expanded into the online world of blogs and currently have 5 that are updated regularly. The most popular is Collective Wisdom, which gets between 60 and 150 visits a day. Altogether, I have at least 30 to 40 weekly blog updates, spread over the 5 sites.

I also have become active with Twitter as ScLoHo, of course, and have been involved with the first couple of local tweetups. I joined the Advertising Federation of Fort Wayne a few years ago and serve on the board of directors as the V-P of communications. I was interviewed last year for a television show on Social Media. I serve as a marketing advisor for a local non-profit and a local financial services firm.

And yet there is this restlessness because I would like to perhaps tie it all together more. Time will tell. I find myself at an interesting age where I can relate to both younger and older generations with ease. I recall what my life was like when I was the age of my kids and wish I could ask my parents about what life was like for them at the age I am now.

But it was their deaths that brought me to where I am living now. 11 years ago, my Dad died of cancer, and shortly after, I moved back to Fort Wayne and helped my Mom move to the next phase of her life which only lasted 3 1/2 years. It was weird to feel like an orphan at the age of 41. Getting married again to a fun woman who shares spiritual values with me and a great sense of humor has also helped me move to the settled state.

Settled. A sense of peace, contentment, the balance to my restlessness. I think I first felt it in 1982 when I became a Christian. I was raised in a Lutheran church but in that denomination there is an assumption of being a Christian that I disagree with. At least in my own life as I cannot judge others. My point of disagreement has to do with salvation occurring at baptism which is traditionally done to infants. I have seen both sides of the argument, and I just know that in my life, there was a transformation when I was 22 when I specifically asked for forgiveness for sins and surrendered myself to Christ and accepted His death on the cross as payment for sins.

These days I am back at a Lutheran church even though I have some disagreements with some of their doctrine. My wife and I attend on Saturday nights because we like the contemporary style of the service and the time works well with her work schedule and my life schedule. In the past year, the church has also become less "Lutheran" and more "Christian" with actual Bible studies and small groups, etc.

To sum it all up, my soul searching is grounded in the settledness of my Christian faith and the restlessness of wanting to implement my gifts and talents to help others in real life.

Exciting? Yes.
Frustrating? Sometimes.
Boring? Never.

Random Sunday Thoughts

Beware.... I'm going to ramble for a few moments.

It was nearly 9 years ago that I met my wife, Kathy. A year later, we married. I believe a year, maybe 2 is all you need to determine if that person should be your mate. Kathy and I are, in her words, "2nd-time-arounders".

We met online and lived less than two miles from each other. It was mid-March, 2000. In October, I proposed. Did it in a non-romantic way. That's one of my regrets. Fortunately, She has forgiven me over time and we married in March of 2001.

Yesterday was a fun Valentines Day. It was filled with Roses, Chocolate (she gave me), and coffee. Wrapped it up with dinner at Chili's due to the fact I had a $50 gift card. We are being more frugal than previous years and have made a game out of it. Altogether I spent less than $50 cash and gave her a dozen roses (Fresh Market), 1 pound of Chocolate/Raspberry Coffee (Fresh Market), a card (Walgreens), 5 free McCafe coffee cards, (from my client McDonalds), Morning Coffee at Starbucks, created a Valentines Picture Collage (about 3 hours work), Church, and then dinner out using a gift card I received for participating in a market research study last year.

She had asked for just a couple of things, a single rose instead of 12, the morning coffee experience at Starbucks, and the pound of coffee. It's always good to give more and to be creative about it.

Recently I have been focusing on the blessings in my life that I take for granted. Which has increased my awe at life and God, and made the annoyances less annoying.

I also found a blog that can help all of us to become better. It's called the Art of Manliness. Here's one of their latest posts:

The Art of Manliness Weekly Roundup

Posted: 14 Feb 2009 10:59 AM PST

Here’s some interesting links I found while surfing the interwebs this week that might be of interest to AoM readers:

Specialization and Decline (@ financial sense) An interesting essay that compares today’s Western economies and culture to ancient Rome’s. The author argues that the more complex an economy becomes and the more decadent a culture becomes, the more susceptible it is to collapse.

25 Ways To Earn Money When You’re Broke On The Road (@ brave new traveler) If you plan on taking the great American road trip or going backpacking in Europe, here are some ideas on how you can make some scratch while you’re on the road. I actually have a friend who did number 8- farm work- while he was traveling in Europe. He picked strawberries to make some money and he said it was one of his best memories of his trip.

Walden, and 99 other Free Online Books Every Student of Humanity Should Read (@ universities and college) A great resource where you can read some literary classics for free. Many of the books on the 100 Books Every Man Should Read list are actually available for free online.

GlennSacks.com Glen Sacks is the Executive Director of Fathers and Families, a non-profit father’s rights organization. Glenn has been fighting for family court reform that will undo the bias the system has against men. Needless to say, he has stirred up some controversy with his social commentary on the way men are treated in family courts or portrayed in the media.

Joseph Palmer: Persecuted For Wearing The Beard (@ jon dyer’s blog) In 1830, Joseph Palmer of Fitchburg, MA was persecuted for wearing a beard. Here is his story.

ManHelper The Folks at Womopo are re-launching their site as ManHelper. It’s an online men’s magazine that provides tips and tricks for life, relationships, and money.

Classic Art of Manliness

If you’re new to the site, you may not have seen all our posts. Here’s a few classics from the archives.

• How To Throw a Dynamite Overhand Punch
• Every Man Should Do This Exercise Routine Every Day
• Shift Out of Neutral: 4 Easy Steps To Get Motivated and Get Moving In Life
• Spark Up Your Marriage: 4 Ways to Date Your Wife All Over Again
• How To Shave Like Your Grandpa

Cheap Valentines Day Ideas

Without appearing cheap. From the DLM Blog:

How to Have a Frugal & Happy Valentine's Day

Posted: 06 Feb 2009 05:18 AM PST

Being frugal and happy on February 14th can be easy, creative and fun when you plan ahead. This is your opportunity to declare your love and pinch pennies with a touch of class. Enjoy yourself. It’s all about love, not the amount of money you throw at a gift. Tell everyone!

Create an Experience

• Make dinner at home. Create a romantic atmosphere. Use a nice table cloth. Get out your best dishes and put a single flower in a bud vase. Cook his/her favorite foods. Make a special dessert. You could do this together and invite another couple. Dress your best…something special.
  


• Have an inside picnic. Create a magical place in your living room. Light candles and turn the lights down low. Place a blanket on the floor. Serve a fresh loaf of bread, cheese, fruit, dessert and your favorite drinks.
  


• Go out during “happy hour” when food and drinks are less expensive.


• Plan a progressive dinner with three other couples. Each couple chooses to serve an appetizer, dinner or dessert in their home.


• Go to a coffee shop and feast on coffee and fancy cupcakes.


• Pick up take-out food from an unusual place and include an inexpensive bottle of wine or your favorite beverage.


• Make a chocolate fondue with different exotic fruits. Include cut up pound cake, Twinkies and cookies. Take turns feeding each other.


• Make Valentine's day a family affair. Have the kids decorate with crepe paper, confetti and hand made hearts. Purchase sugar cookie dough and make and decorate cut out cookies together.


• Go on a date. Choose a special place out of town to spend the evening. Poke around in new places. Make it an adventure. Get dessert.


• Have a "Spa Nite." Give each other a massage. Rent a DVD if you need instructions. Use special oils and lotion. Make the room nice and toasty! When you are finished you can take a bubble bath together, drink champagne or sparkling water in fluted glasses. Later serve finger foods to each other.


• Play your favorite music and dance the night away.


• Rent a romantic movie, for example, Casablanca, The Notebook, Hitch, PS I Love You, Pretty Woman or The English Patient.


• Take a romantic walk on the beach, riverfront, in a historic city, public garden or park. Stop for hot chocolate or a drink.


• Go to a bookstore, browse and purchase a favorite book for each other.


• Take your date to a free or inexpensive play or concert at your local community college, near by university or a local city theatre.

Give a Gift

• Give an exquisite rose and one delicious truffle.


• Bake favorite cookies, cupcakes or candy for your Valentine. Serve warm.


• Create a goodie bag containing Hershey's kisses, hugs, candy hearts or any other pink, white, red or chocolate candy.


• Gather wild flowers or flowers from a friend or neighbors garden. Tie with a pretty ribbon and present with a hand made card.


• Written word is powerful. Plan ahead to write each other love letters stating the top 10 reasons you love, admire and adore each other. Put them in a fancy envelope, roll it up and tie with a pretty ribbon or put it in an inexpensive frame.


• Spend the evening writing haiku poetry. Haiku is Japanese poetry consisting of three lines, with the number of syllables of 5 (first line), 7 (second line), and 5 (third or last line). It can be fun, creative, intimate and meaningful.


• Decorate your home with red, white and pink balloons and leave love notes everywhere: in side shoes, a packed lunch, a coffee mug, a briefcase and on the mirror. You could do this in his/her car as well.


• Write short quick love notes. See if you can do 365 of them. Put them in a gift box that you decorate and give a gift good for one year.


• Create and give gift certificates or coupons that promise you'll wash the car, clean the garage, do the dishes, or whatever would make your sweetie smile.


• Decorate a memory box and fill it with your favorite souvenirs, photos, and other favorite or meaningful things that represent your love for each other.


• Create a photo journal. Purchase an inexpensive journal or scrapbook and put photos from the past inside. Write down your memories, stories and feelings next to each one.


• Get a friend to do a photo shoot of you. Create a calendar or frame some pictures as a gift. Make them sexy, fun and/or special.


• Create a video declaring your love for your Valentine, post it on You Tube and email the link to your sweetie.


• Download his/her favorite music and make a CD. Label it with a special photo and enjoy listening and dancing together.

Give rather than receive

• Gather materials to create and decorate special valentines for friends and spend the evening delivering them.


• Together send free e-cards to friends and family members.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Written on 2/08/2009 by Tess Marshall. You can find Tess at The Bold Life where you will be challenged to be more, give more, live fearlessly, take more chances and show up in the world unstoppable, daring and bold. You can grab a subscription and download her free e-book, “Flying by the Seat of My Soul.”

Photo Credit: ButterflySha

Cheat Codes to Have A Happy Marriage

So, I'm in my 40's, been married over 20 years, (well, to two different women), and have learned a lot and still have a lot to learn.

One thing you have to do is learn the language that your partner speaks. My wife and I both speak English, but it goes deeper than that. When she says, "The trash in the kitchen needs taking out", I can agree and do nothing, and then be accused of not listening, being an uncaring husband, etc.

I have learned that when she says that, it means she wants me to take action. There are also differences in generations in the way we use language. My son is a bit of a gamer. So when I've heard him over the years talk about "Cheat Codes", I know that it isn't automatically something illegal, or immoral.

I stumbled across this recently:

I often remember times when I played video games and had cheat codes which made winning the game faster and easier. I have wished innumerable times to have cheat codes for winning a marriage, to have cheat codes for a happy marriage.

Of course I know that there are no short cuts to a happy marriage. The basics steps of “How to have a happy marriage” have to be applied. But, even then, wouldn’t it be great if there were some tips which made having a happy married life easier; Tips which are easy to implement and yet give tremendous results.

I didn’t have cheat codes for a happy marriage when I got married. But I sure found them later on while living the marriage. These obviously do not eliminate the basics - to love, to communicate, to laugh, to forgive etc. But they do increase chances of a happy married life drastically. And most importantly, they work.

Cheat Codes To Have A Happy Marriage (click here)

Before You Get Engaged...

Studies show that money is one of the leading areas of conflict leading to divorce.

Here's a great checklist from the Art of Manliness Blog:

5 Personal Finance Discussions To Have Before Getting Hitched

Posted: 10 Jul 2008 11:59 PM CDT

Photo by mbtrama

When a couple gets married, they’re not only joining lives, they’re joining bank accounts. Each person brings to the relationship different attitudes and ideas about money. One of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is to get on the same page with your spouse about finances.

Here are 5 things that a couple thinking about getting married should consider before getting hitched.

1. Review your credit history and debt together

Before you get married, sit down and look over each others’ credit report. One person’s bad credit score is bad for the both of you. You don’t want to find out when you apply for a loan that your lovely wife racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt to pay for a shoe shopping habit while in college. By then it’s too late. Finding out each others’ credit score before you apply for a loan can help you decide whether to leave the person with the crappy score off the loan application so you can get a good rate. If you don’t do this, you’ll end up like this guy:

The guy is kind of a douchebag when he says he wouldn’t have married his wife if he knew her credit report. But the commercial gets across the point that it’s important to know each others’ credit report before getting married. It will help you make decisions when taking out a loan.

2. Discuss financial goals

Find out each others’ financial goals and attitudes about money. Is your wife a spendthrift or a frugal monger? Does she want to save for a down payment on a house or does she want to be a renter? You can preempt money tension down the road by getting your goals and attitudes out in the open from the very beginning of your marriage. If one of you likes to spend and the other likes to save, your marriage isn’t doomed, you’ll just have to come to a compromise. Establish what this compromise is going to be at the beginning of your marriage.

3. Decide whether to have joint or separate accounts

The choice to have joint or separate accounts is entirely up to your personal preference. Each has their benefits and drawbacks. It also doesn’t have to be either/or. Many couples have a joint account for home expenses and maintain separate accounts for personal ones.

If you do decide to open up a joint account, make sure you both are aware of how much is in the account. You don’t want to have pay unnecessary overdraft charges.

4. Draft a budget together

Budgets aren’t sexy. They’re tedious and boring. Creating a budget with someone else makes it even harder because each of you have different priorities on spending money. While you might want to allocate more money for entertainment, she might want more money for groceries.

But creating a budget together is vital. It will help bring your spending habits more in-line with each other. It also makes BOTH of your aware of what’s going on in your finances instead of just one person being in the know.

I recently found a great (and FREE!) spreadsheet program based on the envelope budget system. It’s simple and easy to use. Download it, sit down with your gal, and get to cracking on a budget.

5. Decide who is going to head up the finances

The days of having the man have sole control over a couple’s finances are over. Couples these days often choose who is going to tend to the bills and bank accounts based on who has more of a desire to do it. It always seems that within a couple, one partner has more of a knack and interest in it than the other. If neither of you are inclined to head it up, you can always divvy up the tasks equally. Still, things tend to run smoothest when one person takes on most of the responsibly. But even if one partner does the lion’s share, the other spouse should be kept actively abreast of what is going on and be a part of all major decisions. You don’t want your wife to die and suddenly realize you have no idea what the state of your finances is.

Randy Pausch Living in the face of Death

Last night, my wife alerted me to a very special show on ABC's Primetime.
About 6 weeks ago I posted his video which you can watch by clicking here.

I urge you to click here and watch the ABC show and be prepared for some inspiration. And share this with others too.

Valentines Day...a personal note.

My dad used to complain that there were too many "merchants holidays". Today is one of them.

Yet he also played along. It is more than just a merchants holiday, it is the day that us guys should never forget to do something special for the ladies in our lives. (That didn't come out right. For the lady in our life. There, that's better.)

My parents had their ups and downs and there were times when my dad did not seem to be a romantic. But days like today, and other days that were special to my Mom, he made sure to make them special with a unique way to express his love that was special to his wife.

And that's all that mattered.

Both of them are gone now. The picture above was taken about 10 years ago, about a month before my dad died from cancer. In 2001 my mom died of a broken heart. You can see the love in their eyes after 30 plus years together.

Today, I have my wife Kathy, Rachael and her Brandon, Tiff and her Jon, Josh and his Radish,
Abby, Ian, Jacob and the rest of the Luncsford clan that I married into.

Love is not lost on me and I hope and pray that you reach out to others and express your love today while you still can.