To: All North Pole Staff
Date: December 12
Subject: Twelve Days of Christmas Cost Cutting Program
The North Pole's Season's Gift Distribution has missed budget this year. Internet shopping has diminished Santa's market share. Therefore, Corporate is herein outlining budget cutbacks. In the best interest of our shareholders, Corporate cannot not sit idly by and permit further erosion of margins.
Reduction in the reindeer will lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
A side note. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the rumor that Rudolph's nose gets red, not from the cold, but from a ‘substance abuse issue.’ Calling Rudolph "a drunk who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the budgeted cash crop, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) The inappropriate romance of Two Turtle Doves during working hours simply could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact, until the next holiday when they will be (how do we say this delicately) assigned to the Restaurant division for consumption. Excellent ROI.
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated Voice Tracking system. A study is in the field to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) Perhaps the most egregious expenditure, Five Golden Rings has been summarily ended. Maintaining a portfolio based commodity (“Bling”) could have negative implications for institutional investors;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be tolerated. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity.
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy EEOC scrutiny. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. Some of the maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process will solve all the above issues.
9) Nine ladies dancing will be phased out as these individuals achieve Boomer status and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping has been the subject of controversy. While there is nothing wrong with Lords leaping, ten of them is a bit much.
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big.
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted personnel, fowl, animals and related expenses.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, Corporate will then scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
