Monday, July 14, 2008

How to get Fired (or not)

Last week, we cut our sales staff. Not that we wanted to, heck we could double our sales staff if every one of them did what they are supposed to do.

What is a salesperson supposed to do? Make more money for the company than the company pays you is a good start. Beyond that, ask your boss or a mentor for good reasonable goals that include a time frame and a plan of action.

On the other hand, if you want to be a loser.....

12 Ways To Become an Utter Failure at Work

Posted: 09 Jul 2008 12:34 AM CDT

Written on 7/09/2008 by Tim Brownson, of A Daring Adventure.

As a life coach I speak to lots of people about self-development. It’s one of the cool things about my job; I actually get paid to help people make their lives more fulfilling. However, every now and then somebody will say something along the lines of, “Yeah I know what you mean, but that sounds like really hard work.

They’re absolutely right! Self-development is indeed a life long process but so is brushing your teeth, eating healthy food and breathing. Guess what else is tough - being miserable, unhappy and unsuccessful.

Do you think people with those traits got where they are by accident and taking things easy? Of course they didn't, they worked damn hard at it. They didn't become over night failures, they committed themselves to a lifetime of zero-growth and bitterness, especially in the workplace.

I wouldn’t normally do this for obvious reasons, but just in case you’d like to join their ranks, I’m going to offer you 12 tips that will guarantee a lifetime of misery at work.
  • Demoralize
    Always make sure that the first thing you say when entering in the morning and the leaving the office in the evening brings everybody down. Examples could be “I see the economy has taken another turn for the worse”, “The CEO is planning another round of head cuts according to Sue in HR” and “I knew I shouldn’t have come to work with this bug the kids gave me, 3 people have died from it already in our neighborhood.

  • Holidays
    If you need a big day off, don’t risk booking it in advance. If you ask for July 4th off, management may say no. Phone in sick at the last minute (from the beach). Don’t worry; somebody will cover for you even if it means they have to leave their family to come into the office. It’s not a charity you know, and anyway it’s not your fault they only get to see their sick Grandpa once every 4 years.

  • Horde
    If you have any ideas that will help all your colleagues perform more efficiently or be more successful, pretend you’re a squirrel and keep them to yourself. They’re your ideas; you earned, plagiarized or stole them. We’re not living in Russia or China or some other Commie country you know, nobody gives you hands out of cash. Let your motto be” “To have and to hold”.

  • Undermine
    If one of your colleagues has a great idea in a meeting, never forget to ridicule it. Point out every way it can and will fail. Tell everybody how a similar suggestion failed in your last company and everybody lost their jobs, homes and ended up in jail. If it’s a really good idea, don’t be discouraged, just treat it as a challenge and undermine even harder.

    If all else fails, tell them about how when you worked at Enron they had that very same idea. The gold standard is not just to get the idea thrown out, but the have the person that suggested it ridiculed and hopefully fired.

  • Gossip
    Tell Ian and Bob that Jay thinks they’re both jerks. Then tell Amanda that Lucy fancies her boyfriend and has been making eyes at him. Then tell Jay that Ian slept with the boss’s wife at the Christmas party but told her his name was Jay. Send a letter to Bob swearing undying love and sign it Ian and so on and so forth. This stuff doesn’t have to be technically true, as long as you have a hunch, that makes it all perfectly legal and above board.

  • Brown Nose
    Always leave the office 30 seconds after you manager and get there 30 seconds before he arrives. Everybody in the office will cotton on to what you’re doing, but the manager will be in blissful ignorance and think you’re committed to the company cause. Roll your eyes at the boss whilst shaking your head every time somebody leaves early or arrives late.

  • Undermine
    Spend hours on Facebook, MySpace and dating sites looking for dirt on colleagues. When you find something, accidentally send an e-mail with the link to the entire company. If that’s too risky borrow somebody else’s computer or just print pictures off at home and surreptitiously stick them all over the office when it’s empty. Blame Colin from dispatch.

  • Porn
    When surfing for porn, always make sure you’re logged in under somebody else’s username and password and preferably on their computer too.

  • Drinks
    If you have a communal fresh coffee machine and you notice it’s getting low, make sure you top yours up quickly otherwise you may be the one to have to fill it up. If you have a fresh cup, simply pour that away and then finish off the good stuff. The same goes for the water bottle. It’s not your job to change it if it runs dry. Just make sure you fill 4 or 5 cups to take back to your desk when it gets very low.

  • Cell Phones
    Never ever turn you phone off at a meeting even when requested to do so. If it rings, simply hold up your hand condescendingly indicating everybody needs to be quiet and nod sagely as your mum tells you that Aunt Enid has lost her reading glasses down the toilet again. If anybody else’s phone should ring, roll your eyes; sigh heavily and then say in a low but perfectly audible whisper “disgraceful”.

  • Deny
    Admission is a sign of weakness. If you screw up blame somebody else, anybody else, everybody else. Good people to blame are anybody that no longer works in your office, the timid office mouse that never fights his or her corner or anybody that has been within 100 feet of your desk within the last 6 months.
So now you can see that being unsuccessful can be really hard work. These tips will help you get there, but they need to be fine-tuned and worked on for years and years. Of course you could do that or you could work on being the best person you can be. It really is your choice.


No comments:

Post a Comment