How to Forgive: The Tug-of-War Between Heart and Head
Posted: 22 May 2008 06:02 PM CDT
This is not an easy article to write. I have been hurt by someone very close to me and I know that I need to forgive that person, but it is easier said than done. Intellectually, I know that until I can forgive, I will stew in my resentment and hurt - harming myself, not the person who hurt me. I could seek revenge, but countering a wrong with a wrong is… well, wrong. 
By: Dahlia Rideout
Aside from being a fantastic drink, vodka has many uses which you may not have known about. Since vodka is one of the world's most popular drinks, many of us have a bottle handy in the home. And since its typically filtered and pure, it makes a handy liquid to have around.
Here are a few uses:
Editors note: Post written by Heather Johnson.
Working from home presents as many challenges as it does opportunities. When it comes to developing a meaningful relationship, the home worker may feel that they’re behind the proverbial eight ball. You’re not out in the world as much as the guy that works in an office in the city. You do lose out on some chances to meet new people, whether it be someone from your office or at the after-work bar everyone goes to. But there are definite ways you can forge a solid relationship and here’s how:
Value yourself. Many people who work from home may feel differently about their jobs than people that commute day in and day out. Don’t let yourself feel any less than the “regular” worker. If you develop these feelings you’ll bring them into every other facet of your life. Take pride in what you do and you’ll emit this positive attitude into your relationship pursuits.
Make the proper time. When working from home, chances are you have a much different schedule than your mate. Try to regulate your work schedule to make things as normal as possible when trying to get together with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Communication is crucial. If you’re working from home then you probably have more leeway with talking while on the job. Your partner may not be able to chat as much as you can. Respect their jobs and don’t expect to have dialogue all day long just because you can.
Stop working after hours. The temptation to check your email and keep working at odd hours is huge for home workers. Just because your office may be next to your living room doesn’t mean you should avoid spending time with the ones you love because you feel the urge to always be working.
Follow the same work habits. If your wife is planning to take a day off because she’s burnt out then you should do the same. Even if the two of you are just staying home then stay away from your work too.
Leave the job in the “office.” Everyone talks about their job when they leave for the day, but most will know when enough is enough. It’s harder for the home worker because they’re always at the office. Try to develop a habit where you can avoid always talking about your work. This will make a positive impact on your relationship.
Act like you’re going out in the real world. It can be tempting to roll out of bed and start working without ever getting out of your pajamas. Don’t do this. This can cause animosity and jealousy from your mate. It also makes you look like a slob.
This post was contributed by Heather Johnson, who is an industry critic on the subject of date sites.
I've been thinking lately about what we value and what we don't. This is important because our values do define our lives.
For example, if your career is what you value most, then everything (I mean everything) will be second to that. I'm not writing to judge, just stating a reality. It's ironic how little values are considered in our current age.
The above brings me to why men (significant numbers) don't value their wives and motherhood. I know this post might generate some scathing comments, but I speak as a recovering jerk in the area of valuing my wife and my motherhood.
I worked, as many readers/subscribers know, in corporate America for many years. The majority of that was at a senior level. And yes, I drank the kool-aid, participated in the rah, rah sessions and terminated the employment of people who were deemed disposable. I was paid well and thought (at times) my path was only going to get better.
During this time my wife gave up her career to raise our two children. This decision was mutually agreed upon. The idea of her being the primary care-giver seemed like the right thing to do. To this day, I would say our children are the better for this decision.
But along the way I began to see our roles as separate and equal. She took care of things at home and I took care of things career related. There were times when we'd share the burdens, but I thought little about her struggles and work load. After all, I saw it as her role/job. The "taking things for granted" process settled in.
Many times she would call me at the office to vent or seek affirmation. I gave her words, but not my heart. Life went on, money was made and security (perceived) became the normal. We lived this way for almost ten years, and then things changed. My wife went back to work and corporate America said goodbye to me. I became a man who did many different things (author, consultant and stay-at-home dad). All of sudden the world looked strange. For example, work on the book manuscript and make sure my son got to preschool. Ironically, after about six months, I found myself longing for affirmation and encouragement from wife for all of my hard work at home. I felt like a man exposed by his ghosts.
I don't claim that my experiences are unique or more important than other men. But here are the reasons why many men don't value their wives or motherhood:
The Eric that walked the halls of corporate America is dead. The post-corporate America Eric is learning how to live and has been given a chance to be remade. It's very difficult to live differently at times, but I have found a life worth living.
My wife Kathy is my second wife. I am her second husband. We are step-parents to each others kids.
As I read what Eric wrote, I could relate. It is at times a struggle to reprogram my mind to consider all the things that Eric talks about, but it is worth it, not because Eric says so, but because my heart says so.
Guys, I urge you to also examine the way you interact with the mother of your children, step-children, even your own mother.
A Native-American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.
He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."
The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"
The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
According to one definition, compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate the suffering of another and to show special kindness to them. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein persons acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for. Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one's own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.
Where, you might ask, does compassion fit in business? Will it hurt the bottom line? Will it make our company look soft, or like a pushover?
The answers are: at all levels, no, and definitely not. Compassion and profitability are not mutually exclusive. On the contrary, companies that are perceived as people-oriented and good corporate citizens have a far better chance of succeeding than those that put profits ahead of people.
When I was interviewing New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for my book, We Got Fired! ... And It's the Best Thing That Ever Happened To Us, the mayor told me that one thing he never forgot was the people who called him after he was fired by Salomon Brothers.
"I remember the exact list," Bloomberg said. "If any of them ends up in trouble, I'll call them. If you see them on the way up, you should see them on the way down. Whenever someone gets fired or has some real problems, I always call to tell them my thoughts are with them. And if I can be of any help whatsoever, please let me know."
Michael Bloomberg is right about being there at the dark moments. I have always tried to call people when they were down or to do what I could to help them get back on their feet and succeed. I believe compassion should be a vital part of our character.
There is a big difference though between compassion and sympathy. Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry." Compassion feels, and whispers, "I'll help." Compassionate people really care.
There are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion. People who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the "stress hormone."
The main benefit is that it helps you to be happier and thus make others more happy. Compassionate people are also more positive. That's why you should practice compassion every day of your life.
Businesses that are committed to compassion care about their employees as well as their customers. The company makes sure a paycheck isn't the only thing workers take home—they also have a sense that they are working for a company that is committed to a good product at a fair price with excellent customer service. They know that when there's an issue at work, there will be a fair and reasonable hearing. They know that their company is a good corporate citizen that is committed to giving back to the communities where they do business, providing opportunities for volunteerism, financial support, expertise and/or product.
The Dalai Lama said, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
One of my closest friends, Lou Holtz, the legendary college football coach and current ESPN analyst, always concludes conversations with this offer: "If there is anything I can do for you, let me know." And he means it! What a great way to show that you care. Maybe that's why he's always so happy and positive.
Confucius said wisdom, compassion and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of a person. I'm not a big philosopher, but I couldn't agree more.
Mackay's Moral: Helping someone up won't pull you down.
Seven Spending Sins: Fast Track to Financial Torment
Posted: 16 May 2008 07:59 AM CDT
Seven’s a good number for lists - enough to be comprehensive, but not too big to remember. We’re surrounded by significant sevens: seven days in the week, seven continents, seven colors in the rainbow, seven wonders of the world, seven dwarfs…
